Cheese! nomnomnom!

In caps: BE IT NONSENSE, OR EXCUSES, OR CRAPS, OR ANYTHING Z, BE IT YOU EXPLODE, OR IGNORE ME, AND STEPPING OUT FROM ME, BUT, HAVE YOU EVER REALIZED SOMETHING?

Lol, not myself this few days, will be cheerful one day/half day, and just literally scattered minutes after.
Thinking -ve -always-, and jump to conclusions easily, through sentences, and not thinking the fact ahead, just thinking of what I've been wishing.

So yep, peeps out there reading this, don't ask me why I blog this post, or what this post even means, cos I'm effing not telling, and I'll kick ya arse so hard you'll kiss ta moon.

To you, and yea, its my direct views, what I think and so, and I want you to reflect abit.
Pouring out my true reasons now, why I'm always doing this, even if it delays the days till the end, and always depress rather be angry. But one question, ever notice that, I seldom blow at you and shoot back(damn angrily) towards you when arguments are raised? And in the end I just rant and rant on how -ve I am and such instead of defending myself? Defending at least in a strong way and not putting dots(...) and such that you should know what I've -always- done.

I'm always the one thats always wrong in the end of a cold war, argument, or quarrel. And in the end, it will be always me thats apologising. Reflect on this: I always wonder, internally, when are the times when I'm -right-? When is the last time I actually received an apology from you? When are the times when your -right- or -wrong-? Why am I always -wrong-? And why didn't I refute back, at least, damn strongly, without dotz and such? Why didn't I speak in a way that you did when I'm -wrong-?

You are independent, you will stand alongside your stands, you will stand up for what you think/do is right, unless I'm wrong about this, that I apologise. Overall, what I meant is, your dominant, strong.
If I'm in the same position as you, determined, strong etc. I don't think we can even be friends if I'm like you, and, that is not what I've wish to think since in the beginning, do you know that?

And, for below, I want you to temporary just put aside incidents recently, and focus on what is typed out: p.s. theres always a reason why I say that.

If you can imagine a scenario, two people who will stand up strong and determined for their stands, talking/arguing formally to one another, believing in what they think is right, and reasons to back up, and to shoot each other back, with no signs of one of them backing down or apologising, it won't be long that they will stop talking to each other ever again, maybe, months ago, right? But then, will one still wish for the other to be friends again? With a strong determined stand, will one of them wanted to be friends again? Especially after they become strangers?

Lets imagine again, another scenario, a person, strong and determined in her stands, and another person, a total opposite of that person, arguing/talking, with one side being all formal, while the other side just accept and take all in, I guess, you can pretty well know what it happens in the end right? But if this goes on, it also won't be long that they will stop talking to each other again, but at least, it will be delayed till quite later than the first scenario, though normal conversations will turned out to be more and more strain as time passes and more mis-interpretations(especially the one that isn't strong and determined) will follow resulting in one being more and more z and cold towards another, and the other feeling more worse, right? But then, in this scenario, one will wish for the friendship bond to be still there, especially the one that isn't strong. If anything happens opposite from what that person wishes, she sure will become worse, and kept hoping, just hoping for something, and within thinking, will it ever come true?

Back to now, with the incidents. If you can understand the scenarios stated above, overall you should know why I said the above, and why, I've been in this way towards you.

Then another thing:
Me,
Gotten more depressed and just xin bu zai yan, or sad lately. Tones can be seen, and it varies with her mood, e.g. when I cheered up or happy, the tones used are visible, same as for the opposite. But this few days, tones changed quite sudden, mood changes that sudden, over a word, over a tone, over a sentence, over a reply. Always being in the wrong, feels as if nothing she did is right, never once. Continues to live and think about her wrongs, trying to be more cautious, but failed, gotten more and more guilty when each mistake is done and the other blow up. Continuous mistakes, apologises said, but forgiven?

Gen is not perfect. Mistakes will keep repeating. Even if she don't wish or want to. She is scared to stand up to think what she says is right, cos its just all excuses and nonsense, but actually its really her strong(but still weak) stand, and wanted someone to be in her shoes, and think of this, in her depressed state, which is proved to be difficult. It's better not to make an argument get any hotter and just reflect on why she is wrong and just sad, guilty she had done it again. It's better that to stop the other from getting heated so much cos words might be said which will hurt Gen alot. And she doesn't want that. Accepting it silently, realizing that her mistakes that can't seem to stop, but keeps on increasing, when each argument starts.
Few days ago, long time before a reply is received(as long as 3 to 5 hours) when you have no mood, the reply is quite short too, few words, no emotions, send.

How does a normal human feel when they received a reply that ends a topic and a question in afew words and without containing emotions?

How do you feel if someone who you thought is your close friend send you a reply after a long time while your waiting with afew words and formal tone for 2 whole days, even in msn? And the replies are something which literally ends a topic as well as your mood, when the topic can be continued for some time if the person hadn't replied in that manner?
Turned off by the replies mainly, right? And the temper starts.

Did I get turned off? No. Did I show my temper in replying back? No. Did I get more depressed and think alot? Yes.

What I think about you recently:
More and more hot tempered, especially towards me. Will reply 'what talking you' when what I said is not link to your topic. Z when I state my reasons and why I said that. Argues started using formal tone than per normal before, as if treating me as a stranger or a business girl(In scenario 2, what did the other person do?). Gotten more and more moody till one day you said'will never have the mood to talk to you again'. Hurts me alot. Thought finally is the day where we are strangers and can no longer friends anymore.
After a rant, you talk better than above, my tone immediate change for the better as well, just that questions will raised, and, you z again. My tone? Immediate change for the -ve.

Yes, sometimes I will think, did I make you as you are now? To be so hot temper towards me, or just turned off even by a slightest mistake I have done? Recently, I looked down on myself, thinking that nothing I did is ever right, its always wrong, and theres are reasons why it's wrong, which I can't refute or defend myself, cos I've looked down on myself so much that thats nothing worth to defend. Had sincerely apologise to my mistakes, but I can't sincerely promise that they won't be repeated according to my state. I've looked down on myself so much that I'm scared that even an apology might also be a mistake. I've looked down on myself so much that all I just wanted is you to talk to me like before, when I didn't have mistakes pouring down all over me as compared to recent.

And, something in the post should have offended you somewhat, too tired to think when writting half the post(yes I know its long), and yes, I sincerely apologise to you, maybe some sentences are gibberish, eyes are half closed. But yea, so much I still want to say, but guess you had enough and will be saying about its excuses and nonsense ya? (Yes, I'm so scared to even said it out face to face or in msn, cos I'm afraid you will misinterpret it, and go wth or f)

Its my blog. Yes, to me its a place for me to share my feelings and emotions to this little blog, aka a diary, cos I couldn't always say my true feelings and problems and what I'm going through to anyone else, except here.

Expected people to feel insulted, I'm sorry for acting in a manner and saying stuff. But as my diary, its the only place to say anything I wanted and how I truly felt, true feelings to anyone, and wishes they can see through my eyes, and say exactly what they saw. Sorrow?

Ergh, seriously, last few paragrahs not sure it talking about what, even mind is slowing down.
Maybe editing this post tmw when I woke up, or just delete it.

Nitez peeps.