Cheese! nomnomnom!

Gonna post a short bit before I sleep. Mainly, my non-stopping thoughts racing through my mind. Of cos, they are negative, ppl not interested don't have to read the ones below.

Stuff happened again, sigh.
I'm being called arrogant and self centered, haiz.
First time I'm being called that.
Other than the above, theres:

Childish, sensitive, blur, emotional, irresponsible, lazy, not independent, poor organiser/planner, can't hear things well, don't understand ppl, ppl say A I say B, don't know what ppl are trying to mean when they talking, irritating, loves arguing, loves quarreling, always the one that first started an argument or quarrel, short temper, can't meet ppl's expectations or fulfill last min plans, always the one who triggers -ve stuff to happen.
Edited on wed 11+pm: new one down the list, 'unreasonable'. Haiz.

What else?
Can anyone continue to state down more bad points about me besides from the above?
Can anyone even tell me what 'good' points do I have?

Cos, in my previous 2 years of life including now, the ones above, the first time I've been hearing repetitively from the same person even now. Depress and low self esteem started, finding myself having lesser motivation and no confidence, started to get more lazy, rather rot at home than meeting any peeps. Finding myself more difficult to interact with ppl. All I want to do, is crawl into a shell(which I already am), and not letting anyone pull me out. So far, theres only one peep who has been trying now and again to pull me out of my shell to meet new peeps, whom I'm very grateful towards.

Am I that bad? So bad that I have countless bad points, but the number of good points I have is less than the maximum number on one hand? Isit so difficult for me to hear a small praise, or just something +ve towards me? I find it so. It's so difficult, its as if I'm finding that lucky mini needle in a haystack. And that very needle would prick my finger the moment I found or touched it.

I'm not God, I'm not a genius, I'm not a mind reader, I'm not a psychologist.

I wouldn't know what exactly you want when you rather keep quiet and want me to know what exactly your thinking.
How am I suppose to know your not meaning what your actually saying, when you can still double and triple -confirm- to me its a yes, when in the end, you flare up cos its actually a 'no'?
How can I even make you happy, when you rathered close up on me and kept stuff to yourself most of the times, while I opened up to you with no secrets hidden?
How can I be happy, when bad points were thrown at me more than I can count?
How can I feel that things are alright, when you can do those hurtful actions, and even more hurtful words after that?
Why can I tolerate all these, but the moment I threw a hurtful sentence at you, you just can't tolerate at all?
How can I even feel secure, when you can keep saying you can find someone better and -prettier- than me anytime?
Yea, I'm lousy in alot of ways, cos you can tell me confidently that your better than me, that I'm boring, that I can't plan, that I can't this and that.

Your always bringing up those 2 words everytime your hurt by just my -words-. Saying reasons that your tired, you had enough, you can't tahan, that you've already been patient enough for me to find a full time job cos you've -supported- me and I've owe you money, and wanting to rely on me on anything but find it impossible, that theres always continuous arguments which you don't like, wanting me to be more mature, able to dress more nicely, and alot more.
Isn't it funny, that you hurt me over 10 times more, words, actions, but not once I thought or said those 2 words to you? Instead I cried, got sad, and made you more irritated. I can't afford to even be angry at you, why? Cos the moment I started getting angry while being hurt, 'I' will be the one that 'trigger' the argument, and there goes one more reason why you wanted those 2 words, and whenever theres an argument, you just rather shut down, have nothing to say to me, or agreeing to every word I'm saying just to end the argument. It may seem nothing to you, but with your replies of 'whatever, ah la ah la give in to you, horz ok, ok, ok, I change to whatever you want me to be, I change to adapt to what you want, hm ok, anything else? nothing? good, we have communication breakdown, we have diff ideas, dunno who push who, I have friends that don't argue for 4 YEARS, dun argue, words have no impact on me, I don't have obligations, I'm scared of you when you angry cos arguments always started, I am sick and tired of it, I felt dead towards everything, etc'

If no one felt abit z or angry etc at all with those replies besides you, I really have no comments.

Theres so many things which I can say out in a go, cos I'm just typing out what my mind is thinking. Going mad due to all these? Maybe. I can even remember when you looked at me after an argument, its as if I'm a stranger to you. I'm being pushed away indirectly, I'm being ignored, and you'll just either walk your own pace with afew steps away from me, or even worse, walked away from me and went home straight afterwards while I'm waiting at the same place like an idiot.

Yes, I know I'm a fucking idiot for even hoping things will turn out for the better, thanks for me being so naive and stupid.
I know that your so dominant and controlling over matters, your expectations way high above me, but still I don't want to step back.
Whenever those two words are being mentioned due to your short temper, I rather cry, give in, apologise, rather than being angry and shooting at you non stop, cos tmw is another new day, and your temper will be gone by then, so will those two words.
You felt that buying gifts for me is enough, saying those are actions which I can't do the same at all. Yea, I can't do the same, cos I don't have the fucking money! At most I can buy the sweets you like, or buying a book for you and anything thats within my budget. I can't buy bags, big and small to you, clothings or something practical to you cos its over my budget! Are actions the only thing thats important to you? Words mean alot to me, you don't say it, but rather you find it so easy to say out my bad points and saying those two words and the reasons that followed. Is planning for every outing that important to you? So important that if theres ever a outing without a plan you will be black-faced for the whole day and treating me very coldly?

Nvm, mind block. Just thinking about the current matters already makes me moody. Comon. Even the way your talking to me lately, I can 100% confirmed you don't talk that way to your friends at all, and you can still accuse me that I'm not talking the way I used to be?
I've been labeled all those bad points at the very beginning, you of all ppl, including arrogant self centered today. Whats more tmw? 2 days after? 1 week after?
Shall I take it that I wasted 2 years of my life due to being so childish and naive, and keep on tolerating and hoping you can treasure and cherish every single day, and hoping things will turn out smoothly? I sacrifice co, work, and school just for you, and its never enough!
Am I being used or something? Or just being a substitute whenever your bored?

I'm dreading the countdown to my birthday, I'm dreading the countdown -after- my birthday. You fully know why. The genting trip is gonna be a disaster if you want things going your way, if you keep being confident that your right, and I'm wrong. I don't even know if theres gonna be a genting trip with -you- or not. If you can say you don't want to go that easily, its obvious how you see me as. Oh wells, its -YOU-, you don't bother with what anyone thought or felt, as long as you think your right and happy with it, the others are the least of your concerns, or your not concern at all.

Looking at your sms now, you can even say that what I'm saying now is totally diff from what I am doing the past few days. What do you mean? I don't even know what to reply. Did you even ask yourself the same qn? That what your saying now is totally diff from what you are doing the past few days?
What do you want me to reply you? No matter what I reply, its confirm a moody tone, cos thats how I'm feeling, moody and hurt. And as usual, 'I'll' be the one that trigger another argument again.

Give up. 3 years of my feelings, I rather they be gone, I rather get into an accident and forget about you, but do you know, its so diff for them to be gone?

I rather turn towards the darkness now, into the shell, close up, and try not to trouble anyone, rant on anyone, which is of cos diff. I should go back to the days, where I don't interact much with ppl, where I'm that lil kid who's antisocial, where toys of mine are the ones that grew up with me instead of ppl. It is obvious, my interaction fails, my speaking fails. I rather be that quiet gal that ppl know, that quiet and eccentric gal.

Who can even pull me now as I blog? None. I don't know who can really pull me out, and make me go back to that happy go lucky gal again.

Who?